


Slowdance on the Inside

by l_ares



Category: Walk on Water (Manhwa)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Past Rape/Non-con, Psychological Trauma, Rape/Non-con Elements, References to Depression, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:53:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 14,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23757934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/l_ares/pseuds/l_ares
Summary: Chang wakes up a few years before the events of Walk on Water with his memories and regrets in tact. (No rape featured in story – tag is just a reference to canon.)
Relationships: Chang Liu/Ed Talbot, Ed Talbot/Glen McQueen
Comments: 53
Kudos: 66





	1. The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

**Author's Note:**

> *** This work kinda spoils the webtoon AND novel endings so be careful. They're only light references but still. 
> 
> There are going to be no *new* rape elements. The tags are in reference to the original work.  
> The main ship of this work is Chang Liu x Ed Talbot, so if you like Ed and Glen, just don't read it, you will be disappointed. 
> 
> I don't know if I'm going to write this consistently because my feelings regarding this work give ME a lot of anxiety and pain so ouch every time I write. 
> 
> I haven't written in legitimately like 4 years, so it's going to be a while until I get into the *good writing* ^tm flow of things. 
> 
> Yes there are emo music references everywhere, this is fanfic everything is legal
> 
> Feed me positive comments because praise makes me grow ;)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chang changes his fate.

_And I wonder_   
_What you would have done_   
_If I kissed you_   
_I had my chance_   
_I held your hand_   
_And leaned up close to you_

  
Had it really meant so little? The rush of panic and the slow and dreary onslaught of the confusion that came after was disabling his mind. Complete thoughts were proving impossible. 

_“I didn’t mean that much to him.”_

The pain started and ended in the same place. It was a circular hell and it was impossible to tell whether his chest was suffocating more than his stomach was hurting, or whether he was going to vomit. 

As he dozed off in his bed, he wished he might never wake up. 

_“Hyung! Did you eat?”_

It was a familiar dream, but he was watching it from the outside. He examined the self receiving a sandwich from Ed. His own face, familiar but perplexing. Maybe this all was his fault. 

It was definitely his fault. 

The stern face and nonchalant response didn’t hint even slightly at the happiness that had bubbled up within him in that moment. 

Something stabbed at his ribcage and prickled up his spine. 

His dream shifted, and he saw Ed’s slightly melancholy face. 

_“Is your new apartment nice?”_

It wasn’t that nice and he didn’t want to go. He’d wanted to go together. He daydreamed, sometimes, of them living together in a small apartment, loving each other and needing nothing more. 

_“Do you make a lot of money in your new job? I want to be like you and make it out of Chinatown.”_

They had meant nothing. 

It was time to let it go now. 

_“It meant nothing, and I wasn’t that important.”_

There was someone in this world who could make Ed happy. 

_“It means nothing to him.”_

Chang’s dream shifted to a recent night, one where he lay on top of Ed, thrusting desperately as Ed hid his face and his tears rolled down his face. 

His chest tightened around the breaths that were trying to escape his lips as he watched himself give into the pleasure of being with the person he’d loved for years. 

He stood frozen as he watched every forceful thrust. 

_“But it was everything to me.”_

* * *

Chang woke with a jolt. His heart raced and blood pumped quickly through his veins. 

This had become his new normal. Every morning, he woke, his body fully panicked and his mind racing. Something was wrong, but he didn’t know what, and he didn’t know how to fix it. 

But as he started taking in his surroundings, it was clear that today was not the same as every day. He lay in a room he never thought he’d return to, and Ed lay peacefully asleep next to him. 

He looked over at this Ed, a younger, more innocent Ed. The hickies littered over his body no longer gave him the same painful feeling they had just the night before.

Maybe because he’d seen so much worse in his dream. Had it all been a dream? 

Or was this the dream? 

The memories and emotions felt so fresh, and yet here he was, waking up on a day that had happened almost seven years before. 

But more important than all of that right now was his urge to make something, anything, right. 

He leaned over onto a sleeping Ed and nuzzled himself deeply into his neck. The familiar scent calmed his nerves and warmth of Ed’s body made him deeply happy somehow. It was always like this. He would never have admitted it before, but Ed felt like his only home in this world.

He kissed the back of Ed’s neck as tears stung at his eyes. 

“I love you.” 

“I have loved you for a long time.” 

There was silence. 

A slow feeling was rising up through Chang as he laid nuzzled in Ed’s neck. Maybe it was the relief from the years of stress spent hating himself for having these feelings, or maybe it was the knowledge that with these simple words, the future he’d seen in his dreams would never come to pass as he saw it. 

But emboldened, Chang nuzzled Ed one last time. 

“I wish you wanted to come with me. I wish... We could live our lives together.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah I'm a ball of feels. 
> 
> The song referenced is Set-Piece, Vansire.


	2. It's Cool Cuz I Let You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Major Spoilers Ahead
> 
> Chang and Ed fumble against each other.

_You're down for selling me out_  
_While I play dumb_  
_But it's cool because I let you, you thought I'd never catch you_  
_You said we're only friends, yeah, real good friends, I bet, I bet_

“Hyung…” Ed broke the silence. “Hyung, it’s hot. Can you move your face.” 

Silence. 

Chang swallowed. His throat felt collapsed on itself. “Did you hear what I said?” 

Chang grasped at the sheets between them, restraining himself from pulling Ed’s body over to face his. He needed to see Ed’s face. 

The moments passed slowly as scenes from his dream flashed into Chang’s mind. Him facing Ed as he tried to explain why he'd done what he'd done. The whiskey heating his face and dulling his fears as he brought himself to say the same words. 

_"I love you.”_

The memory choked his breath and froze him in place. All he’d been able to manage was a weak smile. 

_I loved you for so long._

Chang inhaled sharply.

_You don’t think it was hard on me?_

“I heard.” 

Ed shifted. 

“And well, I’m not gay and I really like my girlfriend.” 

Ed turned to face Chang.

“But don’t worry, I won’t see you any differently. I’ll support you hyung, it’s okay if you’re gay.” 

Chang studied Ed’s face intently, and the thousands of reasons he’d never confessed came rushing back to him. 

“No, it’s okay.” Chang smirked. “I don’t remember needing you to worry about me.” 

He got up off Ed’s bed and stretched his body. 

Today was his last day in Flushing. He was leaving Chinatown behind. And maybe, he was leaving this world with only him and Ed in it behind. 

He looked over at Ed. 

“At best, I’m bi.” 

* * *

Ed sat in his room gazing absentmindedly at where Chang had lain on his bed. The memory of Chang’s lips caressing the skin on the back of his neck, and the light touch of his breathing sent shivers down Ed’s spine. 

_“He’s so gentle.”_

Ed chastised himself for wondering how Chang had sex. The confession was still ringing in his mind. 

Watching Chang clean out his empty apartment the night before had given him lots of painful feelings. 10 years of their life together, disappearing in front of him as he stood by, unable to come up with the words to say. The things to ask. Was Chang leaving him behind with his life in Chinatown? Would they see each other anymore? Was he part of the dark past that Chang was trying so desperately to erase? 

The questions had coursed through his mind and Chang had given him no opportunity to ask any of them. 

Ed couldn’t help himself. He felt giddy. The hands he was looking down on trembled slightly. 

“I wish we could keep living together too, hyung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple notes about the setting here; when I was reading the novels, I got the sense that the scene with Chang caressing the hickeys happens in Ed's room but I could be hella wrong and I'm too lazy to go back and search for it. 
> 
> Setting aside, Ed's internal monologue was actually moody and sad about Chang moving away, and the questions he asks in this chapter are canon questions that he wonders to himself in the novel. 
> 
> And yes in his confession scene, Chang is like lying drunk on his couch and close to tears. Ed thinks to himself that he looks like a child. The webtoon seems to handle this much differently – there's no alcohol? So now I'm confused a bit. 
> 
> Personal notes: somehow, the Chang character writes himself. I thought it would be really difficult to capture because he's so  
> slippery if you try to articulate why he's so cool, and yet. Man writing is weird.


	3. Everything Must Go

_Despondent, distracted,_  
_Vicious and romantic;_  
_These are a few of my favorite things._

The new apartment was sterile. It was clean. White walls, popcorn ceilings, brown carpet. It was the middle class starter kit, though it cost way more than any middle class family could hope to afford. 

It was what beating up opposing gang members, trafficking goods, and making a name for himself in the organization bought him. 

The sterility that hung in the air vaguely pulled his memory back to the hospital room that he spent so much time in. Staring at a ceiling that offered no comfort, no repose.

Maybe he’d expected the room to provide him some semblance of achievement or ease, but as he’d made his way through the doors, the day after his failed confession, the apartment had felt like something closer to a jail. 

It was now a place far away from where he could see Ed, a place that, instead of respite, seemed to offer only solitude. 

He opened the creaky door and slipped inside, the crushing weight of the room choked him like a noose wrapped tightly around his neck. When he found himself alone, scenes from the dream and the conversation from his last morning in Flushing would wash over him. 

_“I’m not gay and I really like my girlfriend.”_

Chang grimaced, a weak laugh escaped his lungs. Heat rose to his face. 

_“Why.”_

He couldn’t finish the thought. 

He grabbed a beer from the fridge and slammed the fridge door. 

The beer helped, sometimes. To dull the feelings that he couldn’t describe. Some agglutination of rage, self-hate, and embarrassment came up his throat in the form of overwhelming nausea. 

_“Why am I always left with no one?”_

He downed the beer and slipped out of his work clothes. He slid the jacket of his suit off his shoulders and onto the floor and his shirt found its way off somewhere on his way to his bed. 

_“What more can I do.”_

He threw himself face down into a pillow to help choke back his breathing.

_“I want to be loved back, too.”_

And with that thought, he fell into a deep, black sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song reference - Divine Intervention, Taking Back Sunday


	4. Left on Read

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chang vomits.

_I focused on the outline_  
_And I focused on the scenes_  
_I watched it come apart_  
_And I knew that it could have been me_

Chang stared up at his ceiling. Ed’s blase tone still hurt him, but the pain was dull now. Always present, but not always asking for or needing attention. 

He only had a few options. 

He could forget about Ed and try to close this chapter of his life. Maybe he would stop seeing him and go as far as the mafia would take him – likely to his grave – but what did it matter. No one was waiting for him to come back home at night. If he disappeared, it would be just another light flickering off, with no one to notice its absence. 

Would it be possible to forget Ed? For years, it was Ed’s capricious advances and clueless affection that had provided him warmth. They’d given him a purpose. Everyday he would wake looking forward to how Ed would show him affection that day. 

A quick meal together, a stupid story about what he got up to at school, a movie watched snuggled together in a dimly lit, shitty apartment. 

Chang couldn’t bring himself to respond to the small talk that came through in the form of intermittent texts and randomly timed voicemails. 

_“How are you, hyung? Is the new apartment nice? You haven’t let me come over.”_

_How could I let you come over and paint these rooms with memories of you in them?_

Just the sight of a new unread message could unsettle him. What would it be this time? An update about his girlfriend? A plea to call him just to talk? 

_I want to talk._

_I want to sit next to you on this nice new couch I bought. I think you’d like it. You can flop into it carelessly like you do, without worrying about getting jabbed by lumps of springform like the old one._

Chang looked over at his phone. His lock screen read the preview of a message. 

“Hyuunnng if you don’t respond I’m…” 

Chang tapped the message. 

“Hyuunnng if you don’t respond I’m going to ask Youyu where you live and come find you! !!” 

The sent date was 15 days ago. 

He had known the message would say something like that. 

_Yeah. Come find me._

He yearned for the sight of Ed in his apartment. Going through the fridge, destroying the meticulous organization of the items within and wolfing down some fried rice and orange chicken. 

Despite having no taste for simple, kiddy dishes like orange chicken, Chang made sure to keep some on hand in case Ed ever really did come by. And every three or four days he’d choke down the cloying chicken knowing there was no real reason that Ed would come by and that he had set himself up to eat this food he didn’t even like. 

He imagined Ed putting in a crass action movie and calling him over to sit and watch. He would pretend to put up with it so he could put his head in Ed’s lap and doze off as the movie played. 

_Why do you let me get close to you if you won’t love me back?_

Chang imagined himself pulling Ed’s face close to his own. 

_“I want to kiss you.”_

Ed recoiled and suddenly Chang was on top of him, thrusting desperately into Ed’s body. He couldn’t see Ed’s face, only the tears that streamed down his jaw, down his neck, and onto his exposed chest. 

He bent closer to Ed to lick the salty tears off his chest and a violent lurching feeling in his gut jolted him back to reality. 

He dashed into his restroom and got the toilet cover up just in time to hurl his dinner into the toilet bowl. 

_Ugh. This is going to kill me._

In a haze, he cleaned off the soiled toilet with antibacterial wipes he’d learned to keep handy and washed his mouth out with a couple rounds of mouthwash. 

Just as he was collapsing back into his bed, his doorbell rang. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes about canon (SPOILERS ahead): Ed laying his head on Chang's lap when they watched movies is canon but I flipped it. Also, Chang seems to be the one who was into old asian action movies and Ed got a bit of his penchant from him. They have different taste and personalities though :' ). Ed not being able to eat a bunch of different Chinese dishes is book canon (he hates lamb and cilantro), Chang meticulously organizing his fridge is book canon (his beers are organized by brand, and take-out containers are sorted by type), Chang seems to eat mostly take out from the restaurants he helps manage, his apartment is very clean and well organized. Ed letting Chang touch him in fairly intimate ways is book and webtoon canon; you'll see it in Ch 54. Chang himself being sickened by the rape and attempting to apologize in various ways is book canon, IDK what the webtoon will do with it. 
> 
> Earlier, there's a scene where Ed wonders how Chang is in bed – also book canon, the webtoon didn't include it exactly. Also ch. 54. 
> 
> Also why am I writing this, I'm sad. 
> 
> Song reference: Fences - Taking Back Sunday


	5. Devotion and Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone cries. Chang vomits again.

_I got desperate desires,_  
_and unadmirable plans_  
_My tongue will taste of gin_  
_and malicious intent_

Ed’s face went from excited to quiet to concerned. 

“Hyung is your apartment cursed or something? You’re not looking so good.” 

Chang smirked down at Ed, his uninvited, but long-awaited visitor.

“Don’t waste your concern on me.” 

Chang turned around and headed through the tiny corridor and into his living room. Ed followed and closed the door behind him. 

“I’m serious, you look like you’ve lost weight. How are your muscles holding up? I think I could even beat you in a fight like this.” 

Chang grimaced. 

“I’ve taken up a bulimia hobby recently.”

Ed paused. 

“Is that where you throw up your food to be skinny? Why do you need to be skinny?” 

“Shut up, Yeowoon.”

Chang rummaged through a closet and pulled out a pair of indoor slippers. 

“Here. Put these on and then tell me why you’re here.” 

Ed took the slippers and stuffed them onto his feet as he beelined for the fridge. 

“Actually first, I’m hungry.” He rummaged through the containers and found the chicken and rice he was looking for. “You always have this... don't you get tired of it?” 

As Ed microwaved the food, he looked at the apartment and Chang who was perched gracefully on his couch. The figure struck him as special, regal even. He fancied Chang was the kind of man who turned heads wherever he went. 

“And, well I was thinking I could sleep over. I got permission from grandpa and I haven’t seen your new apartment. Since, you've been ignoring me ever since you left.” 

Chang studied Ed silently. He’d grown slightly since the last time they’d seen each other. Chang wondered about what else had happened in Ed’s life since. Maybe he’d gotten the role he’d wanted in the school production. He would have had plenty of time to go on dates with his girlfriend, and they’d probably gotten much closer. 

Meanwhile, Chang had spent his life in a daze, trying to suppress the memories of his horrific dream, nursing his heartache with alcohol, and regularly vomiting up any food he tried to eat. 

“Hyung, you never answered. Is it okay if I stay?” 

“Will you go if I tell you to leave?” 

Ed was wolfing down his meal as a tear rolled down his face. 

“Why are you being like this?” 

Ed sniffled, stuffing more food into his mouth. 

“You said you wanted to live together but then you never called me. You ignored me. Do you have any idea how I’ve felt these past few months?” 

Chang was experiencing a disconcerting break from reality. As he listened to the words come out of Ed’s mouth, his body and surroundings seemed to blend into one before his surroundings became somehow two dimensional. He didn’t feel like he was in the place and time that he was in, and yet he was. 

A barrage of his previously restrained feelings crashed over him at Ed's nonsensical words. He clenched his teeth and braced for the now familiar pangs in his stomach. 

_“Of course I’m not good enough.”_

Worthlessness.

_“He must think I’m disgusting.”_

Shame. 

_“I overthinking it. We weren’t that close anyway.”_

Embarrassment. 

_“Why can’t it be me?”_

Desperation. Longing. 

Ed broke the silence. 

“Are you even listening? I missed you. Did I really mean so little to you? You just forgot about me after you moved, Liu.” 

Chang stood up and walked urgently to the bathroom. What came up was a mixture of sour water and bile. Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes and sweat beaded on his upper lip. 

He cleaned up and washed his mouth out again. 

Ed, who’d followed him into the bathroom, looked horrified. 

“Liu, are you sick? What’s wrong. Have you gone to the doctor’s?” 

Chang smirked through ragged breathing, amused at how outlandish the thought of showing his worn out, weakened self to Ed would have been just a few months ago. 

“You remembered that I said I wanted to live together.” 

Ed raised an eyebrow as he caught up to where they were in the conversation. Then he nodded. 

Chang walked out of the bathroom and sat on his bed. His surroundings were spinning slightly but within them, Ed remained steady. The same Ed he’d longed to see in his room for so many nights was looking over at him with a mix of frustration and worry on his face. 

_Don’t look at me like that._

Chang had tried to imagine them having a sexier time. A happy Ed snuggling up to him, coyly touching his body and whispering stupid sentences only Ed was capable of.

But this Ed was saying he’d come to sleep over, despite what Chang had said to him. In spite of the heart he’d laid bare in front of him. 

“Yeowoon, don’t you think this is too convenient for you?” 

Ed blinked. “What do you mean?”

Chang was looking ragged and smaller than usual. His usually pale skin was somewhat ashen and the circles beneath his eyes were darker. The shadows darkening Chang’s face intensified his desperate expression. 

“Have you forgotten that I told you…” Ed watched as Chang bit his bottom lip and paused for breath. “Did you forget the part where I love you?” 

He looked defeated. Huddled into himself, weak from the vomiting, tears that Ed had never seen before wetting the corners of his eyes. 

Ed closed the distance between them and put his hands on Chang’s shoulders. 

“Rest.” 

He pushed Chang down into his bed and pulled the covers over his body. 

“Hang on, I’m bringing you water.” 

_Don’t leave._

Chang reached for Ed’s hand and held it lightly. 

“I’m coming right back.” 

Chang’s consciousness faded slightly. The pressure of seeing Ed compounded by the months of loneliness had ravaged him. 

“Liu, drink some water.” Ed was cupping Chang’s face lightly. “Hey, you have to drink this water. And we were talking about something important.” 

The water trickled down Chang’s chin as he made a feeble attempt to drink it. 

“And I think you should have guessed it already, but... I love you, too.” 

Chang jolted wide-awake. 

“You love me, too?” 

Ed looked sheepish. He was avoiding eye contact, though he’d slipped himself under Chang’s blanket slyly. Instead of replying, Ed rubbed Chang’s arm under the covers and buried his head into Chang’s pillow. 

“Yeowoon.” 

“I said what I said, Liu.” 

A gasp escaped Chang’s lips awkwardly.

“Our loves are different.”

_They have to be different. How can it be so easy for you?_

“They’re not that different.” 

Chang lifted himself to get a better view of Ed’s face. It wasn’t enough. He rolled on top of Ed and cupped his face with his free hand. 

A barely clothed, tattered Ed flashed in his mind. 

_“It’s disgusting. Your love and your way of showing it.”_

“Yeowoon..." Chang murmured Ed's name and took in his scent, relishing the warmth radiating off of Ed's skin, mingling softly with his own body heat in the places they touched. 

"Yeowoon... my love is disgusting.” 

Ed felt Chang's hand tremble against his skin, and held it with his own. 

“I want to do unspeakable things to you.” 

“I want to crush you beneath me. Lick every last inch of your body. Fuck you until you cry.” 

“Liu… Stop.” 

Chang couldn’t stop. 

“I want to feel your body tense up around me when I enter you, and watch you tremble in pain and pleasure when I push deep inside of you.” 

Chang let out a harrowed chuckle. 

“I see the same dream everyday. I force myself on you in the worst way. You beg me to stop and I don’t. I can’t. The way your body feels around mine. How you tremble with pleasure. The way you cry as you break. Every detail is etched into my mind and I can’t get it out.” 

“What are you talking about Liu?” 

Chang buried his face into Ed’s collarbone. Ed's skin tickled with each breath Chang took and hot, wet tears were dripping off Chang's face on to Ed’s neck. 

“My love is disgusting.” 

There was silence between them. 

“Because I would do it again. I’d do it every single time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was a difficult narrative decision to write Chang's guilt wrt the rape. It was written really weirdly in the novel with the confusing non con on both sides and then the fight and then a gratuitous sex scene (rape). I have strong opinions about the portrayal of rape as a trope or as a plot device but wont go into them here. (I think it's bad to do that, but u can just google rape as plot device to learn more.)
> 
> Secondly, what Ed does to attack Chang is much worse in the novel. Chang had once told Ed that the only time he takes off his glasses is when he's showering, sleeping, fighting, or having sex, so after Ed tells Chang that he can do him too, he takes off Chang's glasses and throws them on the floor. When Chang tells him to pick them up, Ed asks why, since Chang doesn't wear his glasses when he's going to do it. When Chang tries to pick them up himself, Ed kicks them across the room :(. Then he unbuckles Chang's pants yadayada. He says that he felt a lowly type of pleasure watching Chang get upset as he did all of this. It's a mess of a scene.
> 
> I don't know what to do with two people assaulting each other, but we know that Ed feels smug and Chang feels extremely guilty after he assaults Ed, so I decided to write from that perspective. I'm going to ignore that Ed felt good about assaulting Chang, it ain't cool at ALL, let's pretend it doesn't happen. We're acknowledging how Chang feels about what he did / saw in his dream though because he's the one who saw the dream. 
> 
> And of course, in this fic, Chang has not actually raped anyone, but the dream is driving him legitimately insane, if that makes sense? He can't get it out of his head, it's almost like an intrusive thought and he can't separate himself from it. So Ooofoofofoof. 
> 
> Also, do I really think he'd do it every single time? No. 
> 
> The song quoted is Me vs Maradona vs Elvis by Brand New.


	6. Whisper Something Fragile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chang and Ed regain some sense of normalcy.

_And every time our fingers touched_  
_I felt like it would be too much_  
_And too little to hang on to_

Ed breathed evenly. Chang’s unfamiliar weight on his body brought his attention to all the places Chang pressed against him. Chang’s racing heart was beating against his own chest, his shaking form unlike what Ed had ever felt from Chang before. 

“Say something.” 

Chang held him close. 

Ed never knew what to say. He didn’t know what he felt or what had brought him to this apartment on this night. He only knew that the loneliness of not being able to see Chang had felt like a dull knife stabbing into his chest and throbbing ceaselessly. 

He’d become occupied with it, obsessed. It was no surprise when his girlfriend had left him a few weeks after Chang’s departure. He’d hardly paid attention to anything as he'd waited to hear from Chang.

 _I want to be close to you._

He didn’t have the words for what he felt for Chang. He just knew he hated it when people said they looked similar. He didn't want to be his younger brother. Chang was someone important in his life. 

Even just a few moments ago, when he’d told Chang he loved him he couldn't be sure if their loves were the same. He’d said they weren’t different but what he felt was too difficult to describe in words. 

It was the comfort of Chang’s head on his lap, the way he could read his subtle expressions, the way Chang let everyone know that Ed was his. His… _brother? Friend?_ He was his. And Chang was his too. 

It felt like in this overwhelming and cruel world, despite the hardship and the loneliness, that Chang was the one who understood him. 

He didn’t have a word for the feeling, but he didn’t want to be away from Chang. He wanted to be close. 

Ed bit Chang’s shoulder where his face had been resting. 

“I’m not good with my words.” 

Chang squeezed Ed silently and Ed put his arms around Chang’s body in response. The words weren't coming easily, and they were even harder to choke out of his throat. 

“But, don't let me go.” He whispered softly. 

“Please.” 

* * *

Sunlight streamed in through his slightly separated blinds. Spring had melted away the last snows of New York’s dreary grey winter. Balmy air coaxed Chang out of his bed. His lungs felt clear, the weight of years of longing and suppressed desire having long dissolved with the touch of Ed’s lips against his skin. 

That night that Ed had pulled him into his arms was almost a year and a half in the past. 

It was unimaginable to him then, but those simple words had freed him. Freed him to love, freed him to want, freed him to wait. 

Their relationship remained almost completely the same. Ed slipped in and out of his apartment as he pleased. They watched stupid action movies. Ed ate his food sloppily and grinned at him easily. 

It wasn’t enough. 

But it meant a lot to him. 

Ed walked sleepily into the tiny bathroom and stood behind Chang. 

“Liu, are you going to work?” 

“Did I ever work on Saturday?” 

“Then why are you up so early… You never wake up before 6pm on Saturdays.” 

“2pm. Don’t exaggerate.” 

Ed leaned his head into Chang’s back. 

“So, where are you going?” 

“On a date.” 

“What? Why didn’t you tell me yesterday?” 

Chang smirked. “Oh? So you understand that we’re dating?” 

Chang turned to face Ed and leaned him into the wall. Ed averted his gaze, focusing on a corner of the bathroom. 

“I just assumed…” 

“But I didn’t know you felt that way?” 

“Liu…” 

Chang lowered his lips down onto Ed’s exposed neck. 

“So you come sleep over a few times a week, at the house of the man you’re dating, and you guys just watch movies and eat food. That’s enough for you?” 

Chang’s breath brushed soft shivers down Ed's spine. 

Ed didn’t enjoy Chang’s teasing. But he loved it. Ed could detect Chang’s desire, and his desperation, and his shyness. How he had to cloak every advance in slight bitterness to be okay. 

“Liu, where are we going?” 

Chang sighed. 

“To a play.”

Ed’s ears perked up. 

“Which play?”

“A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to write anything today but when I was headed off to bed, my brain wouldn't turn itself off. Do you like how I changed the Shakespearean theme of this disaster :' ). If we're going to play which Shakespeare is it, I'd rather have a whimsical comedy than a tragedy. Glenn can be Puck lmfao. 
> 
> Referenced Say It by Maggie Rogers


	7. A Midsummer Night's Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chang takes Ed to see a play, and slightly naughty antics ensue.

_“Lovers and madmen have such seething brains,_  
_Such shaping fantasies, that apprehend_  
_More than cool reason ever comprehends.”_

A sense of dejavu had permeated the air as Ed and Chang had filed into the opulent theater. They were sitting side by side, and Ed was acutely aware of the discomfort Chang was eliciting in the well-dressed and distinguished looking people who sat around them. 

Chang was paying them no mind. His hand was resting lazily on Ed’s thigh, but his attention was captured by the actors on stage. 

Ed, on the other hand, could only focus on the warmth radiating from Chang’s palms, the fingers curved lightly around his thigh, the sturdy weight of Chang’s hand sending bouts of tingling electric energy from his legs into his toes. 

_“The lunatic, the lover and the poet_  
_Are of imagination all compact:_  
_One sees more devils than vast hell can hold,_  
_That is, the madman: the lover, all as frantic…”_

Despite his aspirations to become an actor, Ed could not keep his attention on the play. Ed tried harder to focus. The production was high quality, the costuming was elaborate, the actors were charismatic… Chang shifted slightly and bumped his knee against Ed’s. 

_What a bully._

Heat rose into Ed’s face as the knee pressed up against his led his thoughts astray. Ed imagined Chang’s weight on top of him, the subtle masculine scent of his cologne mingling with the scent of his skin and permeating Ed’s senses. Chang’s body pressing between his legs… 

Ed’s breath caught audibly. 

Chang snickered. He wrapped an arm around Ed’s shoulder and leaned Ed into his chest. 

“Pay attention to the play.” 

_You bully._

Ed rested on Chang’s chest and gave into the soft, safe feeling that overcame him. His attention wandered back to the play. 

_“Love, therefore, and tongue-tied simplicity  
In least speak most…” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this scene and I don't know why. Particularly, the quotes I lifted for this chapter are from Act 5 of Midsummer Night's Dream. A couple reasons for that, but one is that they watched the whole play with Chang holding Ed's thigh and Ed going "Excuse me sir but my attention is not working because of you." 
> 
> Secondly, because I love Theseus's line, "Love, therefore, and tongue-tied simplicity. In least speak most, to my capacity." He's talking about how when people come to greet him formally and welcome him, it's clear to him that they've practiced and prepared for the moment, and yet when they are faced with him they lose all sense of competence and flounder about. The floundering itself is enough to tell him about the heart of the person he's facing. 
> 
> That really describes a lot of what I feel about Chang's character, and it's what makes him so lovable to me. 
> 
> Anyway hope you enjoy :)


	8. Kiss Me Goodnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't say it out loud. I'd rather you keep that overwhelming emotion to yourself. Because I already know." 
> 
> ***MAJOR SPOILER*** This chapter, but if you don't know you probably won't get it.

_"Was I not supposed to tell you?"  
"Don't say it out loud. I'd rather you keep that overwhelming emotion to yourself. Because I already know." _

“What did you think of the play?” Chang smirked at Ed across the dinner table. 

Chang had reserved them a private table at an upscale and elegant Japanese restaurant. It struck Ed as unusual because they usually patronized one of the Chinese restaurants Chang managed. Ed wasn’t great with raw fish, but the dishes that were coming out in succession were all things he deemed edible and he suspected Chang had something to do with that. 

Chang, to his credit or lack thereof, was lounging on his side of the table, his left leg situated between Ed’s legs and his right foot pressing against Ed’s left one. 

Ed was feeling what he could only describe as nervousness. He felt like he had enough energy to bounce off walls, yet he was also experiencing a strange urge to curl into a ball and hide himself away. 

Chang was laying it on thick – whatever it was, and _it_ wasn’t something Ed was used to. After the day he’d “accepted” Chang’s confession, not much had changed about the comfortable atmosphere between them. 

He could feel Chang’s warmth and consideration for him, but Chang was steadfast and that warmth had always been a facet of their relationship. However, it'd taken on a distinctly intimate flavor now that Ed was aware of Chang’s feelings. What he’d always thought of as comforting like vanilla had slowly become smokey and alcoholic like butterscotch – and Ed felt drunk off this new awareness of their relationship. 

_I think he wants to have sex with me._

It was an errant thought, and Ed snapped out of his daze as soon as it intruded on his consciousness. 

It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it—they spent days at a time together and Chang was always touchy with him. The touchiness wasn't new, but lately he found his eyes following Chang’s well built form, tracing the lines of his strong body, wandering down his neckline towards his strong torso… 

“Yeowoon, I asked a question…” 

Playfulness flickered in Chang’s dark eyes as he caught Ed scrutinizing his body. Ed's whole body flushed. 

“Why are you doing all this?” 

“Doing what?”

Ed shrugged. 

“You know, like taking me to the play and to dinner…” 

“You don’t like it?” 

Chang smirked at Ed. 

“Don’t they say you should at least buy someone dinner?” 

_He just wants sex, this bastard._

“Should I be happy that you’ll at least take me out to get what you want?” Ed’s face was defiant, but his gut was wrenching and he could feel a choking sensation in his throat. 

Chang’s expression was unreadable. It struck Ed as dark, brooding, perhaps. 

“Are you unhappy with something?” 

Ed remained silent. It was difficult to articulate what was hurting him, but something certainly was. It was nagging away at him, without revealing itself. 

“Is there something wrong with my wanting to sleep with you?” 

Ed chuckled darkly. Chang didn’t mince words or try to soften his intentions at all.

It hurt. Were the nice things he did just for access to his body? 

Chang sighed and broke the silence again. 

“I don’t want to fight with you today.” 

He paused before speaking again. “I thought it would make you happy, so I did this.” 

Ed could feel the tears begin to sting his eyes. Everything Chang did shook him so easily. It was uncomfortable. 

“So you didn’t do it just to get me into bed?” 

Chang laughed. “Is that what was bothering you?” 

His laughter rang louder. It was a rare sight, and Ed couldn’t stop himself from admiring the handsomeness of Chang’s smiling face. 

“Rich words coming from someone who spends half of the week in my bed.”

Ed fumed. 

“That’s. Different.” 

“Is it?” Chang looked him over and smiled a rare, genuine smile before pulling a small box out of his pocket and holding it for Ed to take. “Happy Birthday.” 

Chang’s mischievous, teasing ways were unbearable. Ed reached out to take the box and Chang’s warm fingertips brushed against his own. Ed’s heart squeezed. 

Chang was uncomfortable him, and yet so, so dear. 

* * *

Ed eyed his new voice recorder as Chang drove them back home. It was a thoughtful gift. Something he had been needing to help prepare for auditions, but had no memory of mentioning to Chang.

“If you stare so hard, you’re going to break it.” 

Ed chucked. “Staring never broke anything.” 

“I don’t know about that…” 

“Oh yeah?” 

“Yeah, I feel like I’ll break any moment from all the staring you do at me.” 

Ed was in a good mood. 

“Ooh no whatever will I do if I break you?” 

Chang was silent and focused on the road. A dark quality permeated the atmosphere, as if his thoughts were suddenly far away, overwhelmed by some all-encompassing topic. 

_"I hope you hurt as much as you love me. I want to break you too."_

“Well, make good use of it.” 

There was a second reason for Chang’s celebration today, one that seemed entirely irrational – almost obscene in its superstition. It was Ed’s 20th birthday, which meant that the accident that happened in his dream would no longer occur. 

Or at least, the thought provided him solace. 

The dream had already given him a somber warning against hiding from the torrential waves of emotion that crashed within him, but he still worried that something out of his hands would destroy this precious life with Ed beside him. 

The anxiety crushed him every day. 

Every single day, he found himself wondering if today would be the day he’d have to see Ed in the hospital. He fretted that his actions would somehow make that outcome worse than it had been in his dream. What if he lost Ed because he tried to change fate? 

A familiar urge to vomit rose within him, at the thought. 

Today, however, he felt like he could quell the thought. Ed was 20. 

Everything was different. He’d made it so. 

“Hey, where are you driving?” 

Ed’s question broke his stupor. 

“Oh, your apartment. You always go home on Saturday.” 

“My stuff is at your apartment.” 

“So? It’s always there, is there something you need for the week?” 

Ed paused. 

“What I’m saying, is, I want to sleep at your place.” 

Chang sighed dryly. “And here I was hoping I could steal my first goodnight kiss at your door…” 

There was more silence. Chang’s throat constricted and a clutching feeling nagged at his chest. He was committed to going at Ed’s pace, but each small rejection hurt. 

“What I’m saying,” Ed’s voice trembled slightly, “is that you can kiss me goodnight at your place.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, today I quoted Dog Style. I was feeling kind of slumped all yesterday and today and then before I knew I was writing all of this out. How do brains work? I don't know. 
> 
> I referenced Motoni Modoru's Dog Style. It's an old manga but I love it with all my heart. I guess I have the softest of spots for messiness and delinquents. 
> 
> The next chapter is most likely a sex scene - ah, the true test of a fanfiction writer. May the gods of fornication and dalliance be with me. Is that bacchus? Venus? lmfao


	9. Touch Me With a Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chang and Ed get hot and heavy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A double update! So make sure you have read ch 8 before you read ch 9.

_Every lyric lately_  
_Is reminiscent vaguely_  
_Of words you sighed into my skin_  
_Come evening time_

Ed stared up at the bathroom ceiling slightly deflated. He had been imagining that Chang would sweep him off his feet and kiss him deeply the moment they entered Chang’s apartment, but Chang had wordlessly put his things down and gotten into the shower instead. Ed had been left to awkwardly find something to do as he waited for Chang to get done and things had settled into a somewhat harrowing version of their nightly routine. He’d entered the shower as Chang exited, dripping wet and clothed only in his usual black bathrobe. 

_Am I the only one who was hoping for something?_

Ed blew bubbles into the water. He felt like a fool for looking into how men did it and practicing the preparation at home in his own tiny bathroom. Was he getting ahead of himself? 

He stepped out of the bath and dried himself off. After a week or so of visiting Chang’s apartment, Ed had noticed that a new bathrobe had appeared for him to use. He suspected there were a few, because there was always a fresh, clean one waiting for him when he exited the bath. He slipped into the fresh bathrobe and made his way to Chang’s bed. 

Chang was wearing glasses and reading a book. Ed thought it was funny that Chang always read a book before bed. The titles were always unexpected. Some German philosophy here, some old play there.

Chang put his book down and looked Ed up and down. 

“Are you getting in?” 

He smirked at Ed. 

“I want to collect on that kiss.” 

Ed approached the bed gingerly, climbed under the blanket, and examined Chang’s expression. His dark eyes were tinged with something Ed hadn’t seen before and looking into them was making it difficult for Ed to breathe. 

“Okay..” Ed croaked. He was embarrassed by how his voice came out. He felt like he’d been given away somehow. 

But that train of thought wasn’t able to last very long as Chang rolled on top of Ed and pressed his lips softly against Ed’s, pausing against Ed’s for a few seconds before moving to lay a soft kiss on his forehead. 

Ed felt a slight twinge of disappointment. Was that all? 

Chang moved to kiss Ed’s cheek, his ear. 

Ed’s breathing quickened and he felt acutely aware of every place their bodies touched. Chang’s legs balanced between his own, their torsos pressed together, the subtle movement of his breathing, and the rhythmic beating of Chang’s heart against his own. 

Ed breathed Chang in, drew his arms up around Chang’s shoulders, and closed his eyes. 

Chang bit Ed’s ear lightly before kissing each of his eyes. 

Ed felt the strength to move his body leave him. Chang’s warmth permeated his whole body, and every soft touch sent shivers rolling down his spine. 

Chang moved his attention back on to Ed’s lips, kissing him softly again, but holding the kiss longer before moving to kiss his lower lip. And then his upper lip, the corner of his mouth. Ed gasped as Chang slipped his tongue into Ed’s slightly opened mouth. The slow and intentional deepening of the kiss made Ed’s whole body tingle. A tear rolled down Ed’s cheek. 

Chang kissed him harder. He let his bodyweight fall more freely on to Ed as he caressed Ed’s tongue with his own. 

Ed gasped for air as he kissed back feverishly. He wanted to feel closer. He ran his arms down Chang’s broad back as Chang licked a line from Ed’s mouth to his neck, leaving a trail of wet kisses before biting down slightly. 

“Liu…” Ed drew in a sharp breath and flushed at the embarrassment of losing himself and moaning Chang’s name. 

Chang chuckled into Ed’s clavicle and kissed a line down Ed’s chest before stopping at his nipple and caressing it softly with his wet tongue. 

“Ahh…” Another moan escaped Ed’s mouth involuntarily, but Ed’s attention was occupied by Chang’s breath on his chest and the grazing of his teeth against his sensitive spots. 

Chang paid great attention to Ed’s pleasure, licking softly, then firmly, biting here and there to learn what Ed liked and where he felt it.

Ed, for his part, was beginning to feel a strange hardness pressed against his thigh. He felt it swell and tense with every kiss Chang gave him and every moan that escaped his lips. He wanted to touch it, to feel more of its shape, to pleasure Chang, who was kissing him so softly, by caressing it. 

“Liu…” Ed breathed Chang’s name as he slid his hand down Chang’s firm chest, his torso, his pelvis, and lightly over his penis. 

Chang froze. 

“Sorry.” 

Ed stopped to look at Chang’s face. 

“What?” 

“We should go to sleep now…” 

Ed deflated as quickly as he’d warmed up to Chang’s advances. 

“What… But you’re hard…” Ed sniffled. “You don’t want to go further with me?” 

Chang dropped his head into Ed’s neck. 

“I do.” He breathed deeply. “God knows I do.” 

Ed resumed his advance and slid his hand against Chang’s warmth. Chang grunted audibly. “I want to keep touching you.” 

Chang let his body grind instinctively against Ed’s as Ed found his mouth again and kissed him sloppily. 

“Liu…” Ed ran his hands against Chang’s chest, slipping them underneath the bathrobe, sliding it off. “Take my clothes off.” 

Chang’s breath caught. 

“I want to feel your skin against mine.”

* * *

As if a flip had switched, Chang flung off his bathrobe roughly, baring his naked body against Ed's as he slid Ed's robe off beneath him. After getting Ed's robe off, Chang threw it off the bed as well, a move at which Ed couldn't help but chuckle. Chang was insistent on neatness, even in the throes of passion. The chuckle was short lived as Chang's lips pressed back down on to Ed's, leaving deep, wet kisses against his tongue. 

Chang kissed Ed for so long that Ed began to feel himself melt against Chang's embrace. Ed sighed into Chang's tongue as Chang slid his hands against Ed's lower back, and his pelvis bucked involuntarily as Chang pressed his fingers against him, bruising the flesh on Ed's ass. 

"Ah!" 

Chang's kisses were relentless, as his fingers found Ed's hole and began softly caressing its entrance. 

Ed tensed.

Chang continued to touch him lightly, tracing his opening and kissing him softly before pausing. 

"Are you scared?" 

Ed swallowed deeply hugging Chang softly. 

"Yes." 

"Do you want to stop here?" 

Ed was silent. 

Chang lifted his body off of Ed's and heaved a deep sigh. 

"We can continue in a different way..." He smiled slightly, but the slight dejection painted in his expression was not lost on Ed.

"I'm scared..." Ed touched Chang's hand. "But touch me more." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello yes I am making every attempt to fix the atrocity that was committed in WOW. It didn't have to bE lIKE THAT. 
> 
> Chang be watching weird and emotional movies like ashes of time so I decided to make him the pensive, reads a book before bed type. 
> 
> Sex and Sadness - Madi Sipes and the Painted Blue :3 love me writing a songfic like I'm 13 cept it's 2020 and I am double that


	10. The Bed Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chang puts Ed to bed (pt. 1).

_Wanna put my fingers through your hair  
Wrap me up in your legs  
And love you till your eyes roll back  
I'm tryin' to put you to bed _

Chang got off of Ed, laying down beside him and examining his face intently before leaning over for a soft kiss on the cheek. Wordlessly, he extended his arm. 

Ed stared blankly at Chang’s arm before realizing that he was extending it for Ed to rest his head on. Ed climbed into Chang’s embrace and watched him expectantly. 

The intense energy from just a few moments before had diffused slightly.

In Chang’s arms, Ed was enveloped by the heady scent of Chang’s slightly sweaty body mingling with the subtle, clean smell of Chang’s shampoo. The scent, the warmth of Chang’s arms, the desperate mingling of love and lust darkening Chang's gaze were hypnotizing Ed and making it difficult to breathe.

_I love him. I really love him._

It was the first time Ed thought this and really believed it. He’d wondered about what the true nature of his feelings was and he hadn’t been able to suppress the small inkling of doubt that tinged his thoughts of Chang with anxiety. Was it just the familiarity? Or because Chang was nice to him and no one else? The novelty of an icy, cold man, loving him so steadfastly? 

He couldn’t explain his need to be with Chang, to be around him, to talk to him, to hear words of affection from him. 

He’d fretted that he was being pulled along with Chang’s pace because he felt like it was impossible for him to deny Chang, he just loved him too much. 

_I just love him too much._

The words took on new meaning to Ed as he gazed at Chang’s naked body, his smooth skin glistening with the slight sweat they’d worked up, his taut muscles, his handsome face, his tortured, desirous expression. 

Ed wanted to kiss his skin, taste his sweat, lick every inch of Chang’s body. He buried his face into Chang’s chest, letting a warm, safe feeling wash over him. 

“Mmmn… I love you so much…” 

Chang’s body tensed suddenly. Ed broke out of his reverie to find Chang’s face contorted into an unexpectedly painful expression. 

_What’s wrong?_ _Why do you look like that?_

But all that came out was a repetition of the words he’d just said, but this time as a question. “I… love you?” 

Chang’s face crumpled and he shoved himself into the pillow they were sharing. 

“Liu?” 

Muffled from the pillow that was suffocating his face Ed heard Chang’s quiet response. “Thank you…” 

Ed could feel the heaviness in the air between them. A heaviness like Chang’s bodyweight pressing down on him, a heaviness he wanted to hold close. Chang heaved a great sigh, his breathing slowing slightly as he collected himself. Ed held Chang close, breathing him in, losing himself in the ambiance. 

“Yeowoon...” 

“Liu?” 

“I’m sorry…” 

“For what?” Ed murmured the words against Chang’s chest. He wanted to touch Chang and he wanted to be touched. He ached for the feeling of Chang’s hands on his body and Chang’s onslaught of kisses against his skin. 

“I want you…” 

Ed traced his fingers lightly against Chang’s chest. 

“Why are you saying sorry about that?” 

The silence that followed dripped with anticipation. 

Chang climbed back on top of Ed and collapsed into the nape of Ed’s neck. The familiar weight, body temperature, and scent enveloping Ed’s senses elicited a soft sigh from his lips. Chang breathed in Ed’s sigh before gently touching his lips to Ed’s. Ed deepened the kiss, pressing his tongue against Chang’s lips, asking for an opening. 

When Chang kissed him back it was sensuous, rougher, and more demanding than the cautious kisses from before. The pleasure from their lips and tongues pressing urgently against each other stole Ed’s breath and sent shivers down his spine. Chang pulled him deeper into his embrace, his bare skin burning against Ed’s own. 

Ed hummed slightly into Chang’s mouth as he wrapped his legs around Chang’s heat, overwhelmed with desire to draw Chang closer to him.

Chang’s breathing became ragged and his voice came out in a low, husky tone. “I’m apologizing in advance.” 

* * *

Each kiss melded into the next. Ed was gasping for air between ragged breaths, drowning in Chang. Chang’s hands caressing his body, sliding lightly against his thighs, pinching his chest, his tongue pressing deeper into his mouth, the friction of Chang’s penis rubbing against his own. His body relaxed beneath Chang’s, his breathing shallow, his legs losing their strength and sprawling wide open on the bed. 

“Ah! Liu…” Ed breathed Chang’s name, he couldn’t muster anything else. His brain felt like it was being massaged, and his eyes were glazed over, exhaustedly drinking in Chang’s desperate, hungry expression. 

Chang ran a sloppy, wet kiss down Ed’s neck. He paused intentionally at his clavicle, his chest, his nipple, leaving soft, red love marks in his wake. Ed absently ran his hands through Chang’s hair, his breath catching at the pain and pleasure of Chang’s teeth against his skin. Chang traced a trail of kisses down Ed’s chest, his stomach, belly button… 

Ed squirmed as Chang’s took the tip of Ed’s penis into his mouth. “Liu!” 

Chang’s tongue was warm and wet, softly grazing at him, sending waves of warm pleasure coursing through his body. 

“Li–u. You d–,” Ed gasped for breath as Chang ran his tongue down Ed’s length, nipping softly with his lips and licking roughly with his tongue. “Liu, no!” 

Chang paused and looked up at Ed. “You don’t like it?”

Color rushed to Ed’s face at the sight of Chang looking up at him from between his legs. His voice was not coming out properly and it stuttered nervously when it finally did. “N-no, that’s not…”

“Then relax.” Chang shot him a sleazy smile. “I’ll make you feel good.” 

Ed’s body screamed with the urge to curl up and hide away, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Chang who was swiftly rummaging through his bedside table. 

He returned with a sleek bottle of liquid which he poured into his palm and on his fingers, towering over Ed’s body before lowering his face back between Ed’s thighs. 

Ed shook in anticipation as he felt Chang lick his inner thigh, dragging his mouth wetly from his knee to his pelvic bone, nipping and biting along the way. Chang’s lips radiated a fiery warmth that washed over Ed’s body, rising slowly up his pelvis and into his chest. 

He was sinking deep into the bed as Chang touched and kissed his lower body, teasing him slowly, licking him in obscene places, and tracing the opening of Ed’s entrance with a slick, warm finger. His mind was far away, his attention hyper-focused on Chang as he lifted his legs and placed them on his shoulders.

“Just bear with it for a second…” His voice was gruff with desire, as Chang pressed his finger against Ed’s entrance, prodding his way inside. 

Ed yelped audibly. “A-ah… that’s, it’s uncomfortable.” 

Chang kissed the inside of Ed’s thigh softly. “Focus on my mouth.” 

Chang prodded his finger deeper inside Ed’s body, drawing his lips and tongue against Ed’s length and taking it into his mouth. 

Ed moaned at the feeling of Chang’s finger inside of him. It was a strange sensation that made his face hot and his heart painful. 

Chang jabbed his finger deep into Ed’s body, suddenly feeling Ed tense up around him. Ed gasped audibly as Chang introduced a second finger. 

“A-ah Liu… ,” Ed gasped. “That’s… good.” 

Chang drew in a sharp breath. He was engaged in a desperate fight with himself, expending the herculean effort it took to go slow and make Ed feel good. He was fighting against every urge, every impulse in his body ordering him to press himself forcefully against Ed and shove himself inside. 

The way Ed’s eyes glazed over as they followed his every move, how his face was contorted with pleasure, and the way his body trembled slightly beneath his fingertips were all driving him steadily to madness. 

Ed’s body clutched at his fingers tightly, drawing them deeper as Ed lay slack on the bed, gasping for breath and moaning with pleasure. The thought of Ed's warm, tight body squeezing against something other than his fingers was nagging at Chang's lower body, causing it to swell uncomfortably. 

“Liu…” Chang’s heart clutched every time Ed called his name. He’d imagined it thousands of times. Ed laying beneath him, flustered, blushing, hair disheveled, gasping desperately from pleasure. “Liu, s-stop I'm gonna come.” Soft tears pooled in the corners of Ed’s eyes. He grasped Chang's hand that was wrapped around his thigh and squeezed it slightly. “Put it in...” Ed's reached his hand and caressed Chang's hot, hard manhood. "I want to come with this." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to sweet, sweet degeneracy. i got time and dirty thoughts. 
> 
> Bed - J Holiday :'D


	11. I Didn't Want It To Mean That Much To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chang and Ed have a lot of sex.

_I'ma make your legs shake_  
_I'ma make your bed rock_  
_My tongue between your legs, babe_  
_Call that shit the headlock_

Electricity rushed through his veins at Ed’s plea. Chang groaned. His body urged him to thrust roughly into Ed, rubbing deep inside him until the electric energy subsided. He’d imagined it countless times. How Ed’s body would feel wrapped around him. The faces Ed would make. The sounds of their bodies slipping and sliding against each other. 

He’d visualized it, begging God, or whatever higher power there was to side with him just once and give him this one. He’d imagined Ed beneath him a thousand times, but it was never enough. His mind’s eye couldn’t create the image of Ed desiring him, of Ed feeling as good as he did as he stroked himself, pretending his fingers were Ed’s body. 

Hearing Ed say that he wanted him inside his body was more than he’d ever hoped for in this life. 

“Yeowoon…” 

Chang kissed Ed’s skin, feeling Ed’s thighs quiver in his palm. 

“It’s still tight.” Chang sighed. “Just a little longer…” 

Chang continued his barrage of kisses against Ed’s lower body, slipping three fingers into Ed’s body. Spreading Ed out, pressing on his insides, looking for his places that brought him pleasure. 

Every quickening breath, every gasp, every buck of Ed’s hips intoxicated Chang, compelling him to press deeper, kiss harder. 

“Liu—ha-ah… AH! Liu…” Ed was gasping and moaning with abandon. Embarrassment was nowhere near his list of priorities with Chang’s fingers prodding his body, intruding on his deepest parts, making a mess of him with every jolt of pleasure he sent up his spine. “LIU! I’m going to come.” 

Pressure was building in Ed’s pelvis, his consciousness became hazier with each touch, each kiss, each lick. 

“Liu…” Ed whispered Chang’s name breathily at the top of his climax, his muscles tensing up in a surge of pleasure. “Ha-ah… ah…” 

His breathing was uneven, his heart was pounding in his chest, and a slow lethargy crept over him. 

Chang lifted his face, hovering over Ed's lower body. He'd removed his fingers from Ed and was now tracing them against Ed’s stomach, absentmindedly spreading bits of Ed’s semen across his torso. 

He took in Ed’s spent expression, the way his eyes were flickering open and shut, how his chest rose with every deep breath. 

He dropped himself so his face hovered close to Ed’s, their bodies flush against each other.

“Don’t fall asleep.” He kissed Ed’s jaw, and licked a line towards his ears. “I want to be inside of you tonight.” 

Ed slapped Chang’s face away lightly. His body was ringing from the pleasure, his skin was burning against Chang’s and he was feeling sensitive to even the slightest touch. Chang’s whisper against his ears made his body shiver feverishly.

“You bully.” 

“Yeah.” 

Chang kissed Ed’s mouth softly. A sensuous, wet kiss, heightened by the sensation of Chang’s manhood rubbing against his thigh. Ed could taste himself on Chang’s tongue, the flavor evoking the memory of Chang’s face buried his thighs, bringing it floating back into his consciousness along with a deep longing to go further with him. 

He ran his hands down Chang’s bicep and squeezed his forearm. 

Chang understood Ed wordlessly and positioned himself between Ed’s legs, spreading them widely as he began to press up against Ed. The anticipation was overwhelming as Chang took in every detail of the moment. The way Ed’s body recoiled slightly from the unfamiliar intrusion, how Ed gasped audibly as Chang pushed further, the slippery warmth engulfing him. 

“Ugh, fuck.” Chang paused, taking a few breaths to avoid being pushed over the edge by the sheer feeling of Ed’s body wrapping around him. 

Ed clutched Chang’s forearm tightly. 

“Does it hurt?” 

Ed gasped. “Y-yes.”

Chang took a deep breath and started to pull away, only to be stopped by Ed pulling his arm. 

“Keep g-going.” 

Chang clutched the sheets under his palms. 

“Fuck.” 

He pushed deeper, slowly, feeling for Ed’s every response on his body. The warmth was intoxicating, putting him in a daze that drowned out every sensation except Ed’s skin, his temperature, his heartbeat, his writhing from the mixture of pain and pleasure. 

“AH!” Ed yelped in surprise as Chang’s body fell flush against his, Chang’s penis inside him all the way to the hilt. 

Chang mustered all of his willpower to stop himself from thrusting inside of Ed desperately. He leaned down and kissed Ed’s lips. 

“Bear with it.” He spoke into Ed’s mouth before trailing kisses down his neck, across his chest, and stopping at his nipple, sucking and biting softly. 

Tears began to flow freely from Ed’s eyes, his face contorting as he clutched Chang’s back for some semblance of control. 

Chang licked the tears flowing down Ed’s face and kissed his eyes. 

“Is it hurting?” 

Ed choked on his tears. 

“My heart. I feel…” Ed gasped for air, the motion pulling Chang deeper into his body. “It’s too much…” 

Chang took Ed’s chin in his hand, kissing him one more time before pulling himself out slightly and pushing back in. Ed tensed at the motion, digging his nails into Chang’s back. 

“I’m going to move.” 

With that, Chang moved slowly, pressing into the deepest recesses of Ed’s body and grinding his hips against Ed. Purposefully seeking out the spots that made Ed moan or sigh, listening for his every response. 

The feeling that washed over him was overwhelming, lust mixed with something else. He had worried he wasn’t going to be able to control himself, but in the moment, Ed’s pleasure was his pleasure. Each slow, intentional thrust being rewarded with Ed’s body quivering around his own. 

Ed’s breathing was labored as he accepted Chang into the deepest parts of himself. He felt naked, vulnerable, and intimately seen. Each intentional thrust, each slow movement leaked Chang’s love into his body. He felt warm, he felt safe. 

His mind lost track of complete thoughts. 

_So this is his love…_

“L-liu.” Ed murmured. “Do more.” 

Chang thrust deeper, harder, quickening his pace as lust drove all reason from his mind. 

“Liu…” Ed moaned Chang’s name as the new rhythm sent waves of pleasure radiating through his body. “Feels good.” 

The two embraced desperately, feeling each other’s pleasure, desperation, and desire. 

Chang’s thrusts became more forceful, more desperate, the spaces between their bodies dripping hot and wet with sweat and semen. 

Ed felt the pleasure taking over his body as Chang thrust again and again, grinding on a part of him that made his muscles go slack and his consciousness slip away. The sensation had built up slowly and each thrust now threatened to push him over the edge. 

He wanted to kiss, but he couldn’t find the words. 

“Liu!” 

Chang thrust himself harder and faster, slipping his tongue into Ed’s open mouth and groaning deeply as Ed squeezed tightly around him, squeezing rhythmically as his orgasm overcame him. 

Ed sighed as his body went slack around Chang’s allowing him to penetrate him deeper, Chang thrusting a few more times before spilling hot liquid into Ed’s body and collapsing breathlessly as his own orgasm shook him. He buried himself deeper, spilling his love in the deepest recesses of Ed’s body. 

The two bathed in the ambience of the moment, sighing roughly into each other’s lips and holding each other lazily. 

Moments passed, then minutes. 

“Liu…” 

“Yeowoon.” Chang looked into Ed’s eyes. “Thank you…” 

“Stupid.” Ed smiled at Chang. “Say ‘I love you.’”

“I love you…” 

Ed smiled weakly as he closed his eyes and took it all in. Chang spent and lying on top of him, whispering sweet nothings in his ear, kissing errant parts of his body. The rawness of his first time with this man who’d been his solace, his friend, his partner for so many years. 

Another tear slipped down his face. 

“I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time.” 

Ed could feel Chang’s heartbeat race against his chest, Chang’s sweat mingling with his own, his weight heavy atop his body, and his shape deep inside of him, getting harder and bigger with each passing moment. 

“Liu… Are you gonna do it again?” 

A slight panic laced Ed's tired and heavy voice. Chang heaved himself up, lifting Ed’s legs so they wrapped loosely around his body. 

He kissed Ed's neck and then bit down slightly, “I already said I was sorry.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I didn't post for like 2 days because it took some time to write this sex scene. And it's still not over... I think. I mean are you guys getting tired of reading the sex? KEKEK do we get tired of sex scenes? I need answers. 
> 
> Man yall my nose is bleeding. All this brought to you by le quarantine. I would never have time normally hahahahah 
> 
> Sammie - Playlist


	12. Sweet Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation...

_ I don't wanna wake you  
I just wanna watch you sleep  
It's the smell of your hair  
And it's the way that we fit  
I've never felt comfortable like this _

The pleasure and pain of Chang’s body pressing forcefully, rhythmically into his before he’d fully recovered from his orgasm left Ed’s mind a mess. He couldn’t form full thoughts, he was writhing uncontrollably, and he was holding on to Chang as Chang took charge of his pleasure. 

The roughness of this second time scared him at first, but Chang’s familiar scent, his racing heart, and his look of desperation cajoled Ed into the moment, accepting Chang and letting the overwhelming pleasure take over his body. 

With each thrust, Chang felt closer and closer to Ed. He felt Ed taking him in and his heart squeezed at how Ed accepted his desires and let their pleasures meld together. In the lust-filled hazed, his heart wept at this happiness he had thought he would never know. The pleasure he felt from holding Ed was almost minuscule compared to the pleasure he was getting from Ed holding him back. The way Ed’s fingers dug into his back, the way his thighs wrapped around his waist, the way his body quivered, and how he moaned breathlessly, gasping for air with each thrust. 

“I love you.” 

Chang thrust harder and faster into Ed as Ed’s body tensed with pleasure. 

“I love you.” 

He said it again to get used to it. To give himself permission to be Ed’s and to have Ed and to love him. 

A tear trickled down his face as his feelings overwhelmed him. The pain from the rejections he’d expected, the timidness that had kept him from expressing himself, the fear of losing the person he loved. 

“L-Liu!” 

Ed gasped as he crashed over the edge again, uncomfortable from the overwhelming pleasure, and holding Chang tightly, wordlessly begging for him to finish too. 

Chang slowed down as he shook and spilled into Ed’s body again, relishing the feeling of the wetness and warmth around him, the sight of Ed spent underneath him, drifting in and out of consciousness. 

Chang collapsed onto Ed. 

“Are you okay?” 

Ed’s response was groggy. 

“I’m… not.” 

Chang couldn’t help but smile. He kissed Ed as Ed drifted off to sleep. Chang basked in the moment, taking in Ed’s warm body and light breathing. He watched Ed’s rising and falling chest, and traced the red marks he’d left on him with the tips of his fingers. 

He removed himself from inside Ed and flopped onto his side of the bed, a pang of disappointment gripping him at their separation. He didn’t want to be apart from Ed just yet. He wanted to hold him more, touch him more, kiss him more. 

He rolled into Ed and cuddled his sleeping body. 

“How could you fall asleep and leave me like this?” 

…

Ed woke in Chang’s arms and waves of embarrassment washed over him as he remembered how Chang had had his way with him. The wet feeling of Chang’s semen still in his body, the dull ache from the unfamiliar thrusting, the way Chang’s sleeping face still looked handsome and somehow squeezed his heart. He couldn’t take it all and wanted to disappear. 

He watched Chang’s sleeping form curiously. Chang always looked a little tortured, even in his sleep, but today the small furrow in his brow was gone and he seemed to be out cold. A curious feeling washed over Ed with the understanding that Chang was at ease because of what they’d done the night before.

_ You love me too much. _

But it made him happy. He brushed a stray lock of hair away from Chang’s face so he could see it more clearly. 

Chang grimaced. 

“What time is it?” 

Ed couldn’t help but laugh. Chang was never going to be good with mornings. It was a little past 4AM and the sun was just starting to rise. 

“4:06AM.” 

Chang grimaced before lifting himself upright, his eyes still half closed. 

“I want morning sex.” 

Ed chuckled. 

“I’m okay, but you don’t need to push yourself.” 

Chang blinked twice. He didn’t look entirely conscious. 

“We’ll do it at your morning time… at 2PM.” 

Ed kissed a sleepy Chang’s lips and pushed him back into the bed, snuggling up to him as Chang fell promptly a sleep. After a few moments of taking in Chang’s scent, Ed also drifted back off to sleep. 

_ I love you too much.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I was out for two weeks guys. I needed some time to decompress from all the damn smut I wrote. It was all starting to look the same. I fixed a lot of typos in previous chapters too cuz I was publishing every day for a second there. 
> 
> I love these two together so muchhhhhh. hh h h hh. 
> 
> And this chapter was still smutty. I think they finally stop with the sex next chapter, hoooly shit. I didn't even know I had the capacity to write this much bumping and grinding but you learn something new about yourself with every extended month of the quarantine / lockdown. 
> 
> And the song for today is coffee - miguel. 
> 
> Did anyone actually check out the songs ahahah they're helpful for me to capturing the vibe of a scene ~~
> 
> anyway leave me comments and talk to me, I am bored


	13. You Are a Sunday Afternoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chang is complicated.

_Go on just say it_  
_You need me like a bad habit_  
_One that leaves you defenseless_  
_Dependent_  
_And alone_

Ed sat on the couch in Chang’s apartment. It was comfortable. It had just the right amount of give so he could feel himself sinking into it, but not so much that he felt like he wouldn’t be able to get out. He laughed dryly at the thought of Chang pressing his hands into a bunch of sofas before picking the one he sat on. The thought of Chang’s hands pressing into a couch drifted into memories of them sinking into his thighs. A hot red blush crept into Ed’s face as he slammed his face into a cushion.

_But he’s an asshole._

The apartment felt dreary without Chang in it. Or maybe, it felt dreary because of the way Chang had abruptly left him there.

It was a big apartment. Certainly too big for one, and completely unlike the tiny apartments they’d grown up in – apartments which had always felt too small for even one. 

Ed hadn’t noticed any of these things before. When he was with Chang, it felt like Chang occupied most of his attention. Other things were afterthoughts, and the number of movies he’d had to watch again alone because he hadn’t paid attention when he was with Chang was not small. 

Ed thought about the months Chang had spent in this apartment alone. Had he been alone? He hadn’t contacted Ed, so Ed had assumed he’d spent the time alone, but now a fury of dark feelings were brewing inside of him. 

Maybe he had had women over. Maybe he liked being alone. It was clear Chang liked being alone. Why else would he leave, just like that? 

The night they’d just shared was disappearing from his memory, the sides of Chang that he’d barely seen for the first time being replaced with Ed's usual anger at having been pushed abruptly aside. He could visualize the memories, but the feelings were replaced with emptiness and hurt. 

_Why did you touch me like that if you were just going to push away again?_

His body was sore; unfamiliar pains and unexpected fatigue were making themselves known with every movement he made. His heart ached. 

He was stupid. He’d spent the moments before he’d drifted off into sleep in Chang’s arms thinking about how he’d wanted to spend today. He’d imagined Chang giving him soft kisses, and then desperate ones. He’d thought about new things he wanted to try with Chang and words he wanted to hear as they sat around, ate, and messed with each other. 

A tear rolled down Ed’s face. The time on the TV flickered a lazy 4 followed by numbers he couldn’t make out. Chang had left 3 hours ago. 

He wandered into their bedroom, and grimaced at the neatly made bed. There were no traces of the night before or the morning of. It was so like Chang to have cleaned up while he showered. Everything felt sterile.

Lonely.

Another tear rolled down Ed’s cheek. 

He was _always_ like this. Anytime Ed felt like he'd closed the distance between them, he had to brace himself for the bigger push away that he’d feel after. 

He fell on to the bed, muffling his face, and letting the tears fall as he screamed silently into his pillow. He felt raw, and used, and full, and loved, and close to Chang, but all alone.

“Are you crying?” 

Ed jolted up at Chang’s voice and the light touch on his shoulder. Chang took Ed’s face into his hands. 

“Why are you crying?” 

He leaned his face into Ed’s, brushing a light kiss against Ed’s lips. Ed turned his face. 

“Don’t cry.” 

“Don’t kiss me.” 

Chang’s expression hurt to look at. He smiled weakly at Ed, but his eyes betrayed pain and his worn out shoulders gave away his exhaustion. 

_Don’t make me feel bad about this. You pushed me away._

“It’s sour.” 

“Oh…” Chang hurried off to the bathroom and Ed could hear the familiar sound of him swishing mouthwash. 

When Ed had first visited the apartment, Chang’s vomiting had been infrequent. At some point, it had stopped completely and that had come as a relief. Ed had never found out what had been causing it and Chang was infamously tight-lipped about things he didn’t want Ed to know. Ed knew when to give up.

Now that it was back, Ed’s anger softened into worry.

_I’m a fool._

Ed couldn’t help but laugh at how easily he was strung along by Chang. He'd gone from ruthlessly angry to concerned in less than 10 seconds and he had the errant thought that he should be ashamed of himself.

“Why did you vomit?” 

Chang half-smiled. The expression was curious. Chang’s cryptic facial expressions were just barely varied enough to read, and this one betrayed a mix of heavy and mismatched emotions. Gratitude, sadness, and something Ed didn't know how to read. Sheepishness? Anxiety? Embarrassment? None of those felt right. 

“I vomit sometimes.” 

“You do.” 

He was used to pretending to himself that Chang’s short, undetailed answers infuriated him, but at this point he was hopeless, and Chang's curtness was hopelessly endearing. What more was there really to say about the vomiting? Ed wanted to know why, but they both knew he’d never tell. 

The silence stretched slowly, comfortably, in the same way that the paradox of their relationship unfolded between them. How they just fit together, despite what nasty, angry, and painful emotions engulfed the spaces between them was a well-documented mystery of the universe as far as Ed was concerned. He didn't know why he couldn't stay mad, he just knew that he couldn't. 

Chang felt like home. 

Despite his turbulence, despite the distance he desperately maintained. 

“Why did you cry?” 

“I don’t know.” Ed felt anger rising through his body. 

He took a deep breath to steady his voice before he talked again. 

“Someone fucked me and then ran away.” 

“Don’t say that…” 

“Then what should I say?” 

Chang looked down at the ground between them. The silence prickled Ed's spine.

_Apologize you bastard. Say you’re sorry that you hurt me._

Ed screamed desperately for resolution. He didn’t want to fight, but he couldn’t give in. The three hours he’d spent alone after opening himself up and laying himself bare for Chang had ravaged him. His throat choked every breath he took and exhaustion pulsed a soft headache behind his eyes. 

“You’re the one who wanted this, so why did you leave me this morning?” 

Ed had said it before he’d thought about what he was saying, but watching Chang’s expression crumple painfully as he stared off into the floor sent a panic rushing through him. 

The silence between them sparked like a live wire, threatening to electrocute the next person to speak. Ed begged himself for the words that would fix what he’d said.

“Thank you, though.” Chang broke their silence, smiling softly as he finally looked up and into Ed's eyes. 

Ed wracked his mind for the words to take back what he'd said, but they still wouldn’t come.

_Sorry, I didn't mean it was just you who wanted it._

“I really, really wanted it.” Chang paused. “I wanted you so much.” 

Chang lifted a hand up to Ed’s, touching his fingers lightly. 

“I wanted you so much…” 

“Then why did you leave?” The words barely choked themselves out of Ed’s throat. 

Chang clutched a little more firmly on to Ed’s hand, holding it as if for support while staring off into it intently. 

“Yeowoon, I can’t have anything.”

 _What?_

“I have never had anything I wanted.”

Ed interrupted Chang before he could continue. "What do you mean?"

“Yeowoon,” Chang pulled Ed's hand up to his mouth and kissed it softly. "You're the first time I got what I wanted. I should be so happy, but I can't feel a thing."

Chang dropped Ed's hands. "All I know is how to not have anything. How am I supposed to _be_?"

It was uncharacteristic of Chang to choke on his words, and yet he looked so small as he barely got them out. Ed grabbed hold of the hands that had just let go of his own, as if to keep Chang from running away. Chang’s sweaty palms and the cold, clammy temperature of the touch that always felt warm against Ed’s skin shook him. 

“I’m sorry. I was scared.” Chang took a shallow, ragged breath. “I’m so scared.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello at vulnerable Chang. Wow like I'm not sure if I wrote this out with everything I wanted to write into it, but let's call this the update for now and I'll write more or change it if I get the inspiration for that. 
> 
> Ahhh I'm so mad the Chang and Ed resolution chapter included NO details from their actual conversation. Chang tells Ed all about his isolation and how he was abused and shunned and all that Jaxx kept was inexplicable anger Chang has towards Ling Bao. SMH INJUSTICE. 
> 
> Well anyway that's why I'm writing this. Yall thought it was over with the sex scene huh? LOl me too but I guess the emotional hurt pt 2 is just starting. Thoughts thoughts? :D 
> 
> Also damn I'm going through that moment in writing where you're like ugh this is so bad but I'm not back in practice enough to IMPROVE it. Hhhh just gotta soldier through until things start flowing again.... 
> 
> I went with One-Eighty by Summer for the mood of this chapter but I'm not sure actually. Might change. Like LMFAO what if I made it Avril Lavigne's Complicated loooool.


	14. You've Got This Silly Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chang is finally honest.

_I wanna hate you so bad_  
_But I can't stop this_  
_Any more than you can_  
_This is all wrong and it shows_  
_There's certain things I promised not to let you know_

_You've got this silly way_  
_Of keeping me on the edge of my seat_  
_And I'm miserable, oh_  
_Let's never talk about this again because_  
_I, I didn't want it to mean that much to me_

“You’re scared?” 

Ed’s ears rang loudly with the silence that permeated the room. Of course such a thought would never have occurred to him – that Chang ran away because he was afraid. What was there possibly to be afraid of? 

They were together, their feelings were mutual.

_The sex was good._

Ed blushed at the thought and tried to wave it away. This was a serious moment. He had to be serious. All he wanted to do was take Chang into his arms and make it go away. 

After a while, Chang nodded. 

He still wasn’t making eye contact, and pain was radiating from him, stabbing softly at Ed’s chest. 

“Come sit.” 

Ed pulled Chang down onto their bed and held his face. 

Ed laughed softly. 

“Now I can see why you hold my face so much.” 

He leaned down to kiss one of Chang’s eyelids, and then the other. 

“Liu, you are stupid.” 

A tear slid down one of Chang’s eyes and dripped onto Ed’s hand. The warmth of the tear and the tension in Chang’s face and body as he tried to fight another one from falling caused Ed’s tears to start up again. 

_What was so hard? Why are you in so much pain?_

“Liu–” 

Chang started talking before Ed could finish what he was saying. 

“I thought that I might tell you this story one day…"

Ed removed his hands from Chang’s face and took hold of his hands. 

“I don’t know how to say it.” 

Chang tapped Ed’s hand with his thumb three times. He grimaced as he looked off into the distance, blinking once or twice to break his own reverie. 

There was a long silence before he talked again. 

“The last thing I remember from the accident is falling forward. And then I woke up in the hospital. I couldn’t move and I kept drifting in and out of consciousness.” 

Ed squeezed Chang’s palms, and Chang tapped against Ed’s hand again. 

“And I remember Xiao Ling’s bed was next to mine and people would come to visit him every day. And that old woman sat at his bed praying.” 

Chang paused. 

“No one came for me.” 

Ed bit his lip to bite back his tears. 

“And then one day Xiao Ling’s bed was gone and the old woman had left to. I spent two months staring at the ceiling after that. No one came to visit.”

Chang laughed.

“I could probably draw that ceiling from memory if someone asked.” 

Ed squeezed Chang’s hand as Chang closed his eyes and grimaced at what he saw behind them. _Tap, tap, tap._

“I regretted making it out alive and I spent the days asking my dead mom why she’d brought me to a place where nobody cared and gone and died.” 

Tears fell from Chang’s face. It was the first time Ed had seen Chang cry fully. This wasn't the usual tear here or there, full streams fell down Chang's cheeks and his eyes reddened with irritation.

Chang’s tears weren’t listening to him. His face was oddly straight, as he told the story, but the streams fell unfettered, as if they had a mind of their own. 

Tears began to fall from Ed’s own eyes. 

“Family never meant anything to me.” 

Ed remembered the way Chang had treated Granny Ling Bao before her death. He’d sent her away to a far away home and hadn’t visited despite her critical condition. It had been the source of a major rift between them and when Ed had asked why he didn’t love her, Chang had said he had no family – that he was an orphan. 

Ed felt embarrassment flood his cheeks at the memory. He hadn’t known. 

He’d played all those years, taking affection from a woman who’d hurt Chang. He choked down a slurry of mixed emotions. Anger at Ling Bao for abandoning Chang, at himself who had taken advantage, and at Chang who had never said anything. And yet, the nostalgia he felt towards Ling Bao, the comfort of her presence, and the gratitude he had for her congealed into a glob of guilt. 

Chang spoke again. 

“Family never meant anything to me but then I met you, and you played so hard at trying to become my family.” 

“I’m sorry.” Ed’s voice came out small and he was feeling squeamish as he realized for the first time the extent of what he’d done. 

Chang let out a small laugh. And then he smiled as he looked up into Ed’s eyes. 

“Don’t be.” 

He paused. 

“The way you tried so hard, and visited so often. How you laughed and the way you tried to be whatever you had to be to fit in... Your way of desperately demanding affection. I liked you for that.” 

This time Chang squeezed Ed’s hand. 

“I fell in love with you because of that.” 

Chang opened his mouth to continue, but Ed stopped him with his lips, kissing him softly for his confession. 

The kiss was wet, and Chang’s body trembled softly beneath it. His tears continued to stream down his face and Ed wanted desperately to make them stop. 

“You’ve been in love with me for that long, huh?” Ed tried to joke to defuse the tension of the atmosphere between them. The heaviness of Chang’s pain was suffocating him. 

Chang smiled wryly. 

“You’re all that I want.” 

Chang paused. 

“And I feel like I’ll die if I lose you.” 

“Is that what you’re scared of?” 

Chang’s laugh rang uncomfortably in the air. 

“Of course. It only takes a second for everything to disappear.” 

_Tap, tap, tap._

“You could leave me any day and I’ll just be a fool, wandering this world like a dead man.” 

“Don’t say that.” 

“What else can I say. It’s scarier now that I’ve tasted happiness. Maybe I was better off in my misery.”

Chang leaned into Ed, kissing his lips as if he was stealing something he shouldn’t be allowed to have. 

“Maybe you’re better off without a heavy, broken man like me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So lots of novel details forthcoming, especially since the webtoon is finished. TW: Mental health
> 
> Foremost, the tapping – in the novel Chang has a OCD type compulsion where he has to click a pen three times. During the confession scene in the novel, he isn't able to relay details of what happened during the accident and its aftermath until he gets fairly drunk, but as he starts to retell it, he taps his hand three times. The implication seems to be that he does that whenever he gets flashbacks or thoughts of the accident and that the compulsion is supposed to dispel the reverie and protect against something like that happening again. 
> 
> I think I cried like a little bitch when I read that hahah. Honestly, I really wish that the original author hadn't taken such serious trauma and stuffed it uncritically into a character that was going to be shafted. 
> 
> Next, god I wish the details about how Chang's whole family (outside of Youyu's mom) outcasted him and abandoned him were included in the webtoon. Then the situation between Chang and Ed makes a LOT more sense. A lot of Ed's existence/actions basically rub salt into Chang's wounds, and he falls in love with Ed despite that. 
> 
> So I legit, like... paraphrased that scene into the fic, because that context is necessary to understand the Chang and Ed you guys are reading. 
> 
> There were a lot of things that were incredibly heavy / complex that were left unexplored and I, for one, clearly wish that the story had been about those things than a random porn plot hahahah. 
> 
> Anyway, I don't know that I thought I was going to cover Chang's psychological stuff when I started writing this, but I think it may be in the top 3 reasons I actually managed to write so much (I was just unaware). 
> 
> Chang doesn't fully cry in the novel, but I think he needs some tears, help get some of this stuff out. 
> 
> Anyways, thoughts and comments always welcome. I can't believe this quarantine continues....
> 
> oh and I think I used the bike scene - tbs again
> 
> OH and if anyone is curious what Chang does as a lil gangster... he smuggles luxury goods and fake antiques. Apparently he resells those or something, I wasn't paying attention. Then, he manages a legal lending business, and the ledger that Ed pays into (except that doesn't make sense because Chang says all the loans are digital now but Ed and his relationship is still on the book, but then Ed says he tried to declare bankruptcy which ??? u can't do that on an illegal loan). He also seems to help out with a forex business / currency exchange, and he manages the restaurants on paper, but he doesn't really do too much of that and doesn't get paid for it. 
> 
> Also one time they go out to eat and he grills lamb skewers for them and Ed says he hates lamb and fennel and coriander and takes it as a microaggression which I was honestly laughing my ass off at because come on dude man's just eating his lunch.


	15. Sing Me Something Soft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***TW: Strong psychological issues, trauma, depression***
> 
> Chang coming clean; Ed responding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***AGAIN: The following chapter covers rather detailed depictions of trauma and depression (and mild references to suicidality), so PLEASE if this is going to hurt you, bother you, or trigger you, ABORT NOW.***

_Sing me something soft  
Sad and delicate  
Or loud and out of key  
Sing me anything_

“Don’t say that.” Ed stopped for the words to say. “I don’t like that.” 

Chang looked up at him, confused at Ed’s reaction. He’d expected silence, or perhaps awkwardness. He’d thought that his demons would be too big for Ed to handle. 

They were certainly too big for him, and he had had time to get used to them over the years. 

What he hadn’t thought would happen was the strong pout on Ed’s lips, the indignation on his face, the chastisement in his voice. 

“What do you mean you don’t like it…”

Chang couldn’t meet Ed’s eyes. Exhaustion dug at his shoulders and his chest was collapsing on the nauseous feeling living somewhere between his heart and his gut. 

“I don’t. Like. It.” The tone was brisk, and somehow unsuited to the occasion. Where was the Ed that would crumble at the smallest sign of pressure? The one who cried his heart out at the stupidest things. 

His demons were so vile he often questioned his own sanity, how was Ed unfazed? 

“I don’t like that you’ve never told me anything.” 

_How could I tell you? I can’t even tell it to myself most days._

Chang swallowed. 

_I can’t talk about it._

_I want to die when I try to think about what I feel._

Chang opened his mouth but the words wouldn’t come out. 

“I don’t like that I never knew anything.” 

Ed bumped his forehead against Chang’s and leaned his weight on the point where their foreheads met. 

“I don’t like that you felt like this all alone.” 

Chang took back his hands from Ed and balled them up into fists at the onslaught of emotions that coursed violently within him. 

_I can’t tell you._

He tried to take a deep breath, but only managed to clench his teeth. He closed his eyes. 

_You give me strength to live, I can’t tell you about how I want to die._

Chang swallowed the ball in his throat to croak out the words that finally came.

“I didn’t tell you… because it’s better now.” 

Ed stared at Chang in silence. Neither of them believed Chang’s words. 

Chang choked out a sigh. 

“I thought it was better now.”

Ed was the first to break. His tears shook his body as he leaned in to hug Chang. The heaviness of the burden Chang carried momentarily weighed on his own shoulders and Ed shuddered at the thought that Chang had bore it alone all of these years. 

“Why are you like this Liu?” 

Chang clutched Ed’s back, holding Ed desperately. It was the first time someone had held him through these feelings. 

Years of solitude had taught him that these bursts of emotions could nearly kill him and only alcohol could dull the pain. Countless nights of drunken sorrow and passing out cold had numbed the memories of the things that hurt him. No one had loved him enough to show him that something simple like a hug could quell the pain so much. 

The fear and panic that arose at the thought of losing this comfort choked out his breathing. 

_I didn’t want to tell you because I don’t want to lose you._

“I didn’t want to be too much for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look you guys I woke up this morning thinking I wanted to buy an ipad pro so I could do more art and I got this nagging feeling that that should not be what I focus on for today and surely enough 2 hours later, this wrote itself. I'm kind of surprised because while I had thought about the depth of Chang's trauma (and I can certainly relate to it myself), I didn't think that this is what would be written. 
> 
> In this instance I feel much more like a divinely ordained scribe than I do a writer, because I seriously kid you not, I had no idea I was going to write this. 
> 
> Welp welp welp welp welp aight aight. Next chapter is whenever the next oracle hits. I kind of have an idea of where this is going but it's still a little hazy. 
> 
> Comments always welcome :)
> 
> Existentialism on prom night - straylight run btw


	16. Divine Intervention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world has its ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure you have read Ch 15, because I posted 15 & 16 in succession.

_Say the word and you know I'll follow  
Off the grid, I could take you far  
Could be nice in the summer time  
We could sit inside in the silence_

Chang laid on the couch, his head resting in Ed’s lap. The sounds of explosions and crashes that hummed noisily in the background brought back nostalgic memories of the little reprieves in his life growing up with Ed. 

Ed was watching the movie with intense concentration, a habit Chang had seen him pick up as he had become more and more serious about acting. 

It had been a game between them – Ed, who had no one, acting like Chang’s dead step-brother, taking on the role of a young boy who loved Bruce Lee and wanted to be an actor, and Chang, who had no one, letting Ed be someone to him. The affection Ed had wanted was Ling Bao’s, but somewhere along the way the affection he’d stolen was Chang’s own. 

Thinking back on his meltdown from the week before, Chang grimaced. He was embarrassed. 

But he was relieved. Ed was still around. And when he thought of how Ed was still around, he couldn’t help but think back to the dream that had spawned his confession in the first place. 

In that dream, he had never managed to face himself and he had been shaken to his core regardless. He’d lost Ed in the process. 

He wondered if that kind of day would still come. 

It was wholly possible. For Chang, there was no stability when it came to his emotions. Loving someone was a horrific and painful experience and learning to love seemed like the kind of flimsy joke they fed the naive audiences of those action movies where good always defeated evil and happily ever after was guaranteed. 

He wanted to hide, he wanted to push away and live a lonely existence somewhere no one could see him. Or destroy himself slowly by denying himself anything he truly wanted. Something as simple as the way Ed was absentmindedly running his fingers through Chang’s hair suffocated him; pulling up the urge to bang his head against something—anything to break the reverie and the pressure of emotions that bubbled up within. 

If he tried to open up to simple happiness, anxiety, fear, and intrusive images clawed their way inside instead. He wished these disgusting feelings would disappear. 

“What are you thinking about Liu?” Ed leaned down and kissed Chang’s forehead. 

The place Ed’s lips had touched his skin tingled, radiating a soft warmth. 

“I was thinking…” Chang hadn’t been thinking, but he thought there were things he might want to say. “About what I would do if you left me.” 

Ed pulled Chang’s hair out of his face and pressed it neatly against his head. “Why are you thinking about that?” 

“Contingency.” 

Ed laughed. “What does contingency mean?” 

Chang turned so his face was flush against Ed’s stomach and nuzzled against it, before getting up and leaning over Ed, pushing him down lightly against the arm of the couch. 

“Contingency means that I love you more.” 

He leaned his face into Ed’s clavicle. 

“And I’d let you go.” He breathed in Ed’s scent. “And I would even wish you happiness.” 

“That’s contingency?” 

“But I don’t know if I’d be happy again.” Chang laughed quietly. “I thought if I started thinking about it now, I’d know what to do then.” 

Chang looked into Ed’s eyes with a soft but rueful smile. 

“Contingency.” 

Ed rolled his eyes. 

“Why is everything so negative for you.” 

Chang laughed in agreement but Ed spoke before he could respond. 

“In that case, I should come up with my contingency plan, too.” 

“Oh? Why do you need one?” 

Ed took his free hand and lifted it up to Chang’s chin. 

“If I left you, I would still be made up of little pieces of you. There would be reminders everywhere.” Ed took Chang’s face in his hand. “How would I live like that?” 

Chang sank into Ed’s chest. 

“I would still mean something to you?” 

Ed hugged Chang who lay collapsed weakly on top of him. His weight and temperature reminded Ed of a gigantic safety blanket and felt like home. 

“Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Novel notes: In the webtoon, Ed doesn't keep the sweater but in the novel, he does, and he wears it. I'm not sure why she chose to write it like that because keeping something like a sweater someone gave you off their back is sort of a big thing. The sweater reveal is at the very end and Ed wears it in front of Ryan who mentions that it's luxurious and feels like a certain person. 
> 
> The details in the novel say that Ed will think about Chang and Chang's feelings for a long time, but that he feels more strongly for McQueen but for me here in real life land, he definitely feels more strongly for Chang and him and McQueen are hhh. Sorry, but not sorry, it's a sweater (like they're very intimate and wearing a man's sweater is all warm and fluffy inside). Jaxx took it out cuz she knew what that meant. 
> 
> So that's what I used for inspiration for this ending, and this should be considered the last chapter of the narrative. I think there will be cute established relationship extras and I'll attach them to this fic when they're in this world. 
> 
> BTW, the chapter before this one (15) should be considered as the resolution for the mental health issues because I feel like that's how life is. There are no true resolutions, those things don't get fixed overnight, if they ever do get fixed in the proper sense. The idea is that Chang and Ed will learn to work and live with the things that shape Chang and maybe eventually Chang will grow and manage to heal (I think we can see a little bit already). 
> 
> I wanted to make it clear that Ed is not going to save Chang – he's just going to be there and honestly that's enough. Maybe it's a little codependent right now but alas, such is life. 
> 
> I think the webtoon leaves it unclear why Chang thinks saying I love you means nothing to him – the whole dialogue was a bit stunted and made little sense, so I tried to extrapolate on what would make someone say that / what they could mean (especially because he's so tortured over Ed). 
> 
> Anyway thoughts always welcome :) I see yall REading but no one is Saying anything and I'm like why are yall ReADING THIS, EXPLAIN. 
> 
> Oh song is Off the Grid - Alina Baraz, and I'm truly shocked I wrote a 16 ch songfic in 2020.


End file.
